Mothers Day

Mothers Day 2011:

This is the first Mothers Day that I have been married. I think to myself that if I wanted, I could be a mom by next Mothers Day.  This is a crazy thought, but it does give my stomach butterflies thinking about pregnancy and motherhood.

Mothers Day 2012:

Well, I have been trying to get pregnant for 8 months. Everyone says that for many couples, it takes a year to conceive.  I am trying to reassure myself that surely by next Mothers Day, I will be a mom.

Mothers Day 2013:

I have been to the doctor now. He doesn’t know why I haven’t become pregnant after 20 months of trying. He is running tests and assures me that some ovulation medication and intra-uterine inseminations will do the trick. I’m sure that by next Mothers Day, I will be holding my own baby in my arms.

Mothers Day 2014:

People have begun to comment, inserting their own opinions into the fact that I don’t have children yet. They tell me to relax.  They tell me to have faith. This Mothers Day seems harder than the ones before.

Mothers Day 2015:

Maybe it is some sort of joke that seemingly everyone I know has babies. I am preparing for surgery to try and fix my ability to have children. It doesn’t seem fair. I hate Mothers Day.

Mothers Day 2016:

A lot has happened in the last year. I had the surgery, but they couldn’t fix everything. I now am on a medication which has put me into menopause in an effort to heal my body. It is not fun on my body. I especially do not like the hot flashes. Also, turns out the man whom I thought was going to be the father of my children is not going to be.  I mourned that loss. It is okay though, because it led me to the real father of my future children.  This Mothers Day is confusing as I grieve the past while also excitedly looking to the future. I hope that my children’s father does not have to feel the despair of infertility I have felt over the past years.

Mothers Day 2017:

This year is different. We are not actively trying to conceive. Even though we aren’t trying, I still feel a big hole in my heart. The years of infertility weigh on my mind.  Every time I hear a pregnancy announcement, or see a beautiful baby, I feel a longing for my turn.  I think to myself, maybe next year.

Mothers Day 2018:

We have been trying to conceive for a while now. What started as high hopes that the surgery and medication cured me, have turned into some difficult emotions. More rounds of ovulation medications have been unsuccessful. The fertility specialist states that our next step is in-vitro fertilization. It is hard feeling like my body is still letting me down. I can’t even comprehend how to save the money needed for this treatment. I hear people say things like, “I’m so glad my child picked me to be their mom”, or, “I’m glad that God trusted me with this child”.  It is hard not taking those comments to heart. I’m surrounded by a loving army of family and friends who understand how hard Mothers Day can be. I feel lots of love for others who also find Mothers Day to be difficult.

Mothers Day 2019:

I was supposed to be a mother in June of 2019. My baby was taken back to Heaven though. 

We had 13 embryo babies from our in-vitro fertilization.  We have done one fresh transfer, one frozen transfer, and one cycle without a transfer.  We now have 10 embryos left.  Although I feel blessed to have many healthy embryo’s, I can’t help but feel the fear of losing them one by one.  I haven’t dared add up the exact amount of money we have spent for in-vitro so far. I feel mad, but it is often irrational. I try to not feel hopeless. If I am honest, my feelings are on a roller coaster.

I do not know what 2020 will bring or if I will finally have a baby in my arms.  I do know that there is a plan and that Heavenly Father wants to make me a mother.  Until that day comes, I will keep looking for the things I can be grateful for.

I just want to say happy Mothers Day to all.  I see you all.  I feel you all.  I’m with you all.  May we all find peace this day.