Divorce and Marriage
Today is my One Month Anniversary. It marks one month of joy, laughter, and love that I never knew existed. My heart is overflowing with gratitude for this one month of pure bliss that I never thought I could have. This one month anniversary is a milestone I didn't know I would reach! That is because one year ago, my life was very different.
But I'll get to that in a minute.
I met Trevor when I was in a pretty bad spot. I had the lowest self esteem imaginable, I was depressed, anxiety ridden, broke, living in my sisters basement and not eating food. I was newly single with a huge desire to get my life back together. I spent more time on my knees in prayer then I slept at night, I read inspirational church books like a starving kid eating fast food, and I sat alone in the celestial room at the temple more times then I can count. I just knew that Heavenly Father had good things around the bend for me if I could but rely on the atonement and pick myself up and move forward.
Trevor was the lucky guy who asked me on my very first date in 6 years! I was a nervous wreck thinking that I was so messed up and damaged, that I was used goods and he would eventually see through me and recognize my baggage and leave. I still don't understand why, but he never left! On our second date he came with me for an endowment session and sitting in the celestial room afterwards, I knew I was going to marry him someday. This knowledge obviously scared the crap out of me and took me much longer to accept, but thats a different story.
As I revealed each piece of my past, Trevor accepted all of it and all of me. He slowly taught me that I was still beautiful and worth loving. He wanted to know each intimate part of my soul and when he found the injured parts he helped heal them. He is my best friend and is the most patient, selfless, amazing man I know! I definitely am the one who married up and I am honored to be his wife.
Anyways, I am writing this because it feels like it is the right time. I knew I would share this story someday because if it might help even one person, then it is worth sharing. I don't want anyone to feel sad for me and I most certainly don't want any pity or judgement. Because, this story shaped who I am today and where I am today. And where I am today, I wouldn't change a thing!
About 6 and a half years ago I met a guy who was funny, kind, friendly, and easy to talk to. I swiftly developed a deep friendship with him and we spent a lot of time together. At the time, he was mostly inactive in the church, but he was very smart, handsome, and well liked by peers. It took 6 months and the return of a missionary I had been writing, for me to realize that I had fallen in love with Stan- (Let's call him Stan just for the ease of sharing).
I brought him home to my parents who expressed concern to me about our relationship. They were concerned that I was so young, and that Stan and I were moving too fast, and they were concerned about his position with the church and that he had chosen not to serve a mission so that he could further his relationship with me instead. I was 19 and quite frankly, offended at my parents judgement of Stan. I didn't let their opinion sway me from pursing the relationship and getting engaged. My parents in an effort to not push me away spent a lot of money and put their hearts into my wedding. The wedding was very beautiful, and we were married in the Bountiful Temple surrounded by family and friends.
Looking back I now recognize the red flags here that I was blinded too at the time. In no particular order of importance (because one could argue which should be first), here are the red flags: 1. My parents were uneasy of Stan from the beginning. But I felt I knew what was best for myself and ignored their warnings. I didn't accept that my parents might also know what is best for me. 2. Stan had a very different perspective on religion then I do. 3. I never received an answer to prayers asking if I should marry him. I think that a common answer to prayers is that the decision is up to you. However I wanted the answer that I wanted and was unable to humble myself enough to open my heart to whatever answer Heavenly Father would have given to me.
I thought at the time that because we were getting married in the temple that must mean we were a perfect couple. I thought that being able to marry in the temple meant you were a good person. I also thought getting married in the temple meant your marriage will most definitely last forever. These are all falsehoods. Don't get mad at me for saying that, let me explain.. Nobody is perfect and there is no such thing as the perfect couple. There is such a thing as two imperfect people striving to continuously better themselves and uplift each other as they strive toward their eternal goals-(which on a side note, takes two people, not just one). Also getting a temple recommend doesn't mean you are a good person. Unfortunately, this is a perfect gospel run by imperfect people here on earth who are subject to temptations, sin, forgetfulness, pride, etc... I try to always see the best in people but I recognize that people can lie and be deceitful. Just because someone claims to hold a temple recommend doesn't mean they are worthy of it. Also being sealed in the temple does not mean you are guaranteed your marriage will last forever. Marriage is hard work, as I said before, it takes two people striving daily to work towards keeping an eternal marriage. I was young and nobody told me that what I thought being married in the temple meant was not true.
I also thought when I married Stan that I knew all of him. Truth is, it takes a lifetime to know someone. This actually is a beautiful thing because each of us is truly dynamic and constantly learning and growing. I think a smart couple should strive to recognize what they learn about their partner every single day, and love them for who they are as an individual! In the case with Stan, there were faucets of his personality that I should have taken care to learn before marriage.
Approximately one week after returning from our honeymoon, Stan came home from work in a rage. He was angry and cursing and mean towards me. His behavior shocked me and I locked myself into our bedroom and cried because I knew not how to handle or react to the situation. I thought about calling my parents but felt such matters should be kept within the marriage and was embarrassed to run home to mommy and daddy with just one outburst from him. I prayed and cried asking if I had made a mistake by marrying him and begged that Stan would calm down. He eventually did calm but seemed unapologetic for what happened. When I inquired what caused the outburst he shrugged it off and wanted to pretend it never happened. I let the incident slide.
Over the next couple months his outbursts became more frequent. They were always in the confines of our home and he would never apologize after. I came to refer to them as "temper tantrums", sometimes they occurred when he was hungry or provoked by me but usually they seemingly came from no where. He would throw things and broke some furniture and he would say very foul curses to me. Over the next couple years they worsened to the point that he had tantrums daily. He became very degrading to me, always pointing out my faults. He daily called me names such as "you dumb f****** b****". I had to walk on my tip toes to not start him off. Also I tried many tactics to defend myself. I would cry, I would yell back, I would ignore him, it was exhausting.
For the first two years I struggled with making plans to leave him. There were many times I had my mothers number dialed to help me move out. But I always chickened out. I felt that when he wasn't throwing tantrums, he was still the man I fell in love with. I could see the potential he had and I wanted him to achieve it. Eventually around that second year I decided that I needed to make a decision, I was either going to leave him or I needed to stop thinking about it and buck up and stick it out. I decided on the latter and after that decision, I never entertained the thought of leaving him again. I figured maybe his behavior was some sort of punishment for me because I wasn't good enough but that maybe in the next life he would recognize his wrongs and it would be better then and I would be rewarded for sticking by his side.
You are always going to meet people in your life that you can help make a difference in their life. There is always someone who may be doing better than you and can help lift you up and there is always someone who is doing worse that you can help lift. Sometimes it is hard to recognize at what point you are no longer lifting but instead they are pulling you down. It is especially hard to recognize this when you are super close to the person, like if they are your husband for example.
In May 2014, Stan and I were asked to meet with our Stake President. The President extended a leadership calling to Stan within a YSA bishopric. I was caught quite off guard. Stan accepted the calling and I was actually very excited. I thought to myself, this is the chance for Stan to turn around and become the man I knew he could be! In the past he was very against having family home evening with me and he refused to pray or read scriptures with me-which made it difficult to maintain the habits on my own. I thought with him serving in the bishopric that his testimony would strengthen thereby strengthening his desire to have the Spirit in our home. However, as the months went by, he never changed his attitude at home. He would go to his calling and he was very good with the YSA and I think he enjoyed it. But then he would come home and still be foul. He would turn on his playstation and start cursing at the TV and screaming at me or the dogs if we got in his way.
During his time in the bishopric, I experienced doubt in the church for the first time in my life.. I didn't understand how Stan was worthy for such a calling when he led an entire separate life at home. It took me a very long time to realize that I may never understand why he had that calling. It also took me a long time to realize that even though this gospel is perfect, people are not perfect. I had to have faith that Heavenly Father knew what He was doing.
During the year he was in the calling, we bought our first home and I busied myself with trying to be a perfect housewife. I had wanted to go to nursing school for a couple years but Stan didn't feel it was important for me to get a degree. So I worked hard at the jobs I had, and I worked hard to keep a clean home. In the spring of 2015, Stan came to me and stated he was ready to see someone about his emotional issues. That night I knelt in prayer, so thankful that he was ready and willing to start working on things!
We went to a local physician and Stan voiced for the first time what he felt was the root of his issues. Stan stated he felt he was OCD and that his anxiety would get to him. He stated when things weren't perfect at work or during his day that he would come home, where he was comfortable being himself, and then let out all his frustration. He admitted to the doctor that he didn't treat me well and that he wanted to change. Stan also had issues with being bipolar, and the doctor felt confident that some medication would help to fix the problems.
After Stan began the medication, things at home improved vastly! They weren't perfect but his tantrums became less frequent. He was more calm in stressful situations and had more control over his emotions. He even began to apologize when he talked down to me! Summer of 2015 was the best summer we had together, lots of family fun, camping, and traveling. We ended the summer with a big vacation to Europe. We were living in our beautiful home, we had finished our back yard, we had purchased a brand new small SUV, we were out of credit card debt, he had a promotion at work, everything seemed to be falling into place. We felt it was the perfect time to have a baby!
I have a hard time explaining this part of the story because this is the part which is most painful.
Early on, before things got really bad with Stan's emotional issues, we had decided we wanted children. We had been married only 6 months when I went off birth control and we began trying to conceive. There were times during the years we tried to conceive that I thought to myself a baby would fix Stan's emotional problems. I figured that he would respect me more and treat me kinder if I were pregnant. I realize now this is not true and I know that a baby would not have fixed our marriage.
Infertility is an emotional roller coaster, one that is ridden by more couples then you would think. After one year of not getting pregnant, Stan and I started seeing a specialist who ran multiple tests. The doctor could not find anything in particular that was preventing us from conceiving. So Stan and I spent thousands of dollars on more testing, ultrasounds, conception medications, and inseminations. Not every woman understands the pain of having yet another month go by with just one blue line on that pregnancy stick. Every morning for years I woke up and checked my temperature and secretions. I used charts and read many fertility books. I prayed and fasted for a baby and it was a very difficult time.
When you experience infertility you experience the different stages of grief. It is easy to feel like your body is letting you down. They say that as a woman, your greatest accomplishment will be to bear children. The truth is, the word bear should be changed to the word "have". Not every woman is going to bear a child on this earth. And not every woman is going to even have the opportunity to have or raise a child. It was easy for me to be offended every time someone would ask me "when are you going to start having children?", "you have been married a couple years, don't you know you should be multiplying and replenishing the earth? You are being selfish.", "don't you want to have kids?". It was also easy for me to feel offended and sad when I heard people say things like, "I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me to be a mom", "I'm so glad you chose me to be your mother". I feel like, what does trust have anything to do with it? If being a mother was all about Heavenly Father trusting you, then why do teenagers, drug addicts, and unplanned pregnancies happen? Why would a woman that didn't want to have kids get pregnant instead of me?
Over the years I realized that people saying these comments didn't have bad intentions. The 99% majority of people asking you when you will have kids have no intention to be rude or insensitive. The fact is, not everyone knows what you are going through and may not understand how their comment can be hurtful. Many people are innocent or naive towards infertility. It is human nature to jump to being offended or to place blame on someone. And if you get sucked into that hole, it is so difficult to climb out. If you are offended by someone, don't hold a grudge. Try to put yourself in their shoes and recognize what their true intentions were. And if you need to, be honest with them about how you feel about their comment.
My only other advice on the subject of infertility is this: do not try to go through it alone. You will be surprised how many women face this obstacle. And you will be surprised at how much support you can receive by reaching out and sharing your story. It is okay to need support. By sharing what you are going through, you will meet friends. Your journey will be easier and your story will help someone else in need.
One year ago-ish today, after seeing the same doctor for 4.5 years, I decided to try a new physician. I had been chatting with a co-worker who had endometriosis and I felt many of her symptoms matched mine! But when I told my original doctor this, he didn't agree it was a possibility. So, I went to this new doctor who agreed to take me into surgery to learn if endometriosis was the culprit of my infertility. You see, the only true way to know if one has the disease is by going in laparoscopically.
Endometriosis is when endometrial cells of the lining of your uterus somehow escape into the pelvic cavity. Then each month as the female goes through her menstrual cycle the cells build up (as it would inside the uterus in preparation for a possible pregnancy). Then when the female body is not pregnant, this lining is shed in the form of the period. But when there is lining in your pelvic cavity, the shedding has no where to escape so it pools in the bottom of your pelvis and then builds up again each month. This causes a lot of damage and scaring. Scaring and lesions can lead to blockages which cause infertility. In surgery they can laser the endometriosis away.
Going in for the surgery, I prayed desperately that they would find something. I knew it would be a huge blessing to be able to put a name on the reason I had not become pregnant after 4.5 years of trying! When I woke up from the surgery I was informed that I did indeed have very severe endometriosis, one of the most severe cases my physician had ever seen. The endo was so severe, they were unable to laser all of it in surgery. The endo was on my bladder, in my bowels, and up my ureters which was too sensitive an area to take the laser too. The doctor sat with Stan and I and said the best treatment was to undergo a hormone therapy to destroy the rest of the endo. Basically the therapy is a chemo based drug called Lupron Depot and it puts your body into a premature menopause. (Not everyone can say they will have to go through menopause twice!) Lupron is a shot and is known to have many harsh side effects. The treatment lasts 6 months and then your body will go through "puberty" again after which, I should be able to get pregnant! Most women with this diagnosis have high success rates of pregnancy after treatment.
Stan was devastated and did not want me to take the medication. He did not want to wait another 6+ months to get pregnant, especially because everything in our lives felt ready to welcome a child. The doctor said it was the only way to stop the endometriosis which was causing much damage to me internally. So after thinking it over, we decided to undergo the treatment. Little did I know, I would not be undergoing the treatment with a husband at my side.
Soon after the decision to do Lupron, I recognized an odd air in our home. I knew deep down that something was wrong. I was recovering from the surgery and since my endo was so extensive, the recovery was longer then expected and more painful. I figured at first that the odd air was just me. We were at walmart one day when I noticed Stan kept snap chatting selfies to a female co worker of his. Thinking this was a little odd, I commented saying something like, "don't give her the wrong impression by talking to her so much outside of work". He shrugged it off and stated he would stop snapping her, he said she was young and just a good co-worker. I told him that I trusted him but that I didn't think it was smart to keep too close a friendship with a young single co-worker.
Approximately several days later I noticed he was hiding his phone from me. When I would sit by him he would quickly turn the phone away. He carried the phone around with him constantly and would not let me hold it. He happened to go to the bathroom and left his phone on the coffee table. I felt prompted to pick it up, I ignored this feeling because I told myself it was silly. But the prompting came again and I leaned over to pick up the phone. He had just received a snap chat from the girl. I didn't open it up but I did open his messages and found she was the most recent to have text him. Scanning over their recent messages I saw that the night before she had begged him to come long boarding with her. He stated how badly he wanted too but that I was home and he couldn't get away.
At this point, he came out of the bathroom and rushed over to grab his phone from my hands. I tried to look innocent and inquired about him still talking to this girl. He stated that she was just a lonely co-worker and they were friends. I warned him again that I felt it was dangerous to be friends with her. He told me there was no interest there, that she wasn't even pretty and she had a boyfriend anyways. But still, he promised to stop talking to her outside of work.
I want to make a strong point here. It is not safe and it is not wise to have friendships behind your spouses back. When you are married, your friends become your spouses friends as well and vice versa. If you have any sort of contact with a "friend" that you wouldn't have with your spouse right beside you then that means it is wrong. You can make a million excuses but for a happy and successful marriage this principle needs to be black and white.
When Stan and I were engaged and meeting with our Stake President for our living ordinance recommends I remember a comment he made that seemed silly to me at the time. He said, "someday you may receive an email, a text, a facebook comment, or some other contact from a member of the opposite sex that will seem innocent. Maybe they will be someone you have known a long time and have not seen in a while, maybe they will be a co-worker or neighbor, but it doesn't matter who it is, do not reply".
I thought this seemed harsh and a bit of a generalization. But I promise you, it is easy for Satan to make something so innocent turn into something horribly wrong. The Stake President went on to say that when a situation like that occurs, we should automatically be open and honest with our spouse about it, even if it seems dumb and seems but a small thing. This is of up most importance. Satan wants to destroy the family and he will do whatever he can to succeed in that nasty goal.
Anyways,
I forgot about the incident and we spent the next few weeks as normal. We went to my families house for conference weekend and Stan spent a lot of time on his phone. He stated it was work and there were issues going on there that he had to take care of. I let it slide because I knew in the past work had kept him busy on nights and weekends.
The following week, Stan woke up super early one morning and got into the shower. Usually he waited until last minute to shower in time for work, so it was unusual for him to be up so early. I again felt prompted to look at his phone. This time I listened right away and picked it up. He had many messages from her and I knew in that moment that they were not just friends. I hid in another room of the house with the lights off as I snooped through his phone. I saw things and read things that I wish I never had. I realized that when Stan and I were intimate over the weekend at my parents house, he had been sexting her. I also realized he had gotten in the shower early to go and meet up with her before work. When I returned to the bedroom with his phone, Stan knew that I knew. I can not explain the pain and so I will not try to.
The next several days were the worst days of my life. All the pain and sorrow associated with infertility paled in comparison to my husbands betrayal. I cried constantly and prayed continually. I remembered how a few years ago I vowed I would never think of leaving him again and with much prayer and faith I concluded that I still was not ready to leave him. Thinking of how wonderful our summer had been and everything we had been through together, and thinking of our temple sealing, I told Stan I wanted to work through everything with him.
He told me he was mad at God. He said he was mad that God had not given us a child yet and he was mad that I had endometriosis. He said he had turned to his co worker for comfort and that he would break it off. We spent the next week taking things easy and trying not to talk about what had happened. However, things did not go back to normal. The following weekend Stan left to his families house and requested that I do not contact him. This is when I finally called my Mom.
My mom came right away, she dropped everything and came to hold me as I cried and shared the truth about my marriage. She cried with me, grieving over the way Stan had treated me and his affair. She even drove me to walmart at 3 am to get a pregnancy test, just to be sure I was not pregnant at the time. I called in sick to work and she took me out of town for a couple days. I tried continually to get a hold of Stan but he would not talk to me. Instead he sent me an email. In that email he said he wanted me to move out of the house. He blamed all his issues on me and told me everything was my fault. He never had the courage to tell me in person our marriage was over or why.
I filed for divorce along with an appeal to waive the 90 day waiting period. I moved out of the house, leaving most everything behind including my beloved dogs. The divorce was finalized a couple weeks later. Stan began texting me stating he was an idiot and that he could never forgive himself and that he didn't deserve me. I had to tell him he was not allowed to contact me anymore.
Right after he kicked me out of the house he moved his mistress in. It hurt knowing she was sleeping in my side of the bed, using my closet, snuggling with my dogs, and enjoying my beautiful back yard. It also hurt when I found out that she was pregnant. I've heard rumors that she planned the pregnancy to keep him around, I've also heard rumors that he planned the pregnancy with her because he was so devastated that I could not get pregnant. Truly, it is not worth entertaining why or how it happened. Stan was getting everything he ever wanted, a baby.
At first I thought I had nothing, that Stan left me with nothing. However, I was wrong. I am the one who came out with everything! I didn't realize at the time that I probably would never have had the guts to leave Stan. I didn't realize at the time that the mistress was the biggest hidden blessing. The reason I actually came out with everything is because of this: I came out with a fervent testimony that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me. I came out with a stronger relationship with my Savior then ever before. I learned more about the meaning of the atonement then can be understood without relying so heavily on it. My family was there for me along with so many friends I didn't realize I had. I have experienced the sweetest of tender mercies and seen miracles because of what happened.
Side story, while waiting for the divorce to finalize I visited family in Arizona. Speaking to a cousin who had also been divorced, I told her how well I felt I was doing and that I sort of felt "numb" sometimes. I didn't know if it was bad to feel that way despite all that had happened. She turned to me and said, "Jaycie, that is the atonement you are feeling. Being numb is because right now Jesus is carrying you." She went on to warn me to stay righteous because messing up would take away that numbness leaving me to carry the burden and feel all the pain and sorrow on my own. I took her words to heart and I continued marching forward.
With faith, optimism, and our Savior, I continued strong despite the wrongs done to me. Driving in the car the song "God blessed the broken road" came on. I knew that by enduring these trials well that blessings would come. Can you guess what major blessing was coming? I certainly could not at the time!
Trevor.
After years of being subject to emotional abuse, I had forgotten what it was like to be treated kindly. Trevor, you are more to me than I can ever express. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me! You have brought true joy into my life and reminded me what happiness is! The way you grin at me even if I accidentally say something dumb, and the way you laugh with me about it afterwards. The way you are so patient even when I am naggy (which I know is a shortcoming of mine)! Every time I doubt myself you are right there to correct my thinking and uplift me. Your knowledge of the gospel and your desire to study the scriptures and pray daily are like a breath of fresh air! You have prepared your whole life for an eternal marriage. I know you are the most amazing man and I am blessed beyond measure to stand by your side! This first month of marriage is just the beginning of our Eternal story!
This life is never going to go completely as we plan it for ourselves. Whether it is big bumps in the road, like a five year failed marriage (or many worse things), or small, we need not be concerned about the strife. We should only concern ourselves of living worthy. I promise you that blessings will come, and most likely they will not be in the form which you had expected!
I love this cliche because I know it is possible. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. <3
**Photo by Brandon Burk brandonburkphotography.com**
If you are curious about the church I am a part of, or are looking for answers to questions about life, visit Churchofjesuschrist.org
But I'll get to that in a minute.
I met Trevor when I was in a pretty bad spot. I had the lowest self esteem imaginable, I was depressed, anxiety ridden, broke, living in my sisters basement and not eating food. I was newly single with a huge desire to get my life back together. I spent more time on my knees in prayer then I slept at night, I read inspirational church books like a starving kid eating fast food, and I sat alone in the celestial room at the temple more times then I can count. I just knew that Heavenly Father had good things around the bend for me if I could but rely on the atonement and pick myself up and move forward.
Trevor was the lucky guy who asked me on my very first date in 6 years! I was a nervous wreck thinking that I was so messed up and damaged, that I was used goods and he would eventually see through me and recognize my baggage and leave. I still don't understand why, but he never left! On our second date he came with me for an endowment session and sitting in the celestial room afterwards, I knew I was going to marry him someday. This knowledge obviously scared the crap out of me and took me much longer to accept, but thats a different story.
As I revealed each piece of my past, Trevor accepted all of it and all of me. He slowly taught me that I was still beautiful and worth loving. He wanted to know each intimate part of my soul and when he found the injured parts he helped heal them. He is my best friend and is the most patient, selfless, amazing man I know! I definitely am the one who married up and I am honored to be his wife.
Anyways, I am writing this because it feels like it is the right time. I knew I would share this story someday because if it might help even one person, then it is worth sharing. I don't want anyone to feel sad for me and I most certainly don't want any pity or judgement. Because, this story shaped who I am today and where I am today. And where I am today, I wouldn't change a thing!
About 6 and a half years ago I met a guy who was funny, kind, friendly, and easy to talk to. I swiftly developed a deep friendship with him and we spent a lot of time together. At the time, he was mostly inactive in the church, but he was very smart, handsome, and well liked by peers. It took 6 months and the return of a missionary I had been writing, for me to realize that I had fallen in love with Stan- (Let's call him Stan just for the ease of sharing).
I brought him home to my parents who expressed concern to me about our relationship. They were concerned that I was so young, and that Stan and I were moving too fast, and they were concerned about his position with the church and that he had chosen not to serve a mission so that he could further his relationship with me instead. I was 19 and quite frankly, offended at my parents judgement of Stan. I didn't let their opinion sway me from pursing the relationship and getting engaged. My parents in an effort to not push me away spent a lot of money and put their hearts into my wedding. The wedding was very beautiful, and we were married in the Bountiful Temple surrounded by family and friends.
Looking back I now recognize the red flags here that I was blinded too at the time. In no particular order of importance (because one could argue which should be first), here are the red flags: 1. My parents were uneasy of Stan from the beginning. But I felt I knew what was best for myself and ignored their warnings. I didn't accept that my parents might also know what is best for me. 2. Stan had a very different perspective on religion then I do. 3. I never received an answer to prayers asking if I should marry him. I think that a common answer to prayers is that the decision is up to you. However I wanted the answer that I wanted and was unable to humble myself enough to open my heart to whatever answer Heavenly Father would have given to me.
I thought at the time that because we were getting married in the temple that must mean we were a perfect couple. I thought that being able to marry in the temple meant you were a good person. I also thought getting married in the temple meant your marriage will most definitely last forever. These are all falsehoods. Don't get mad at me for saying that, let me explain.. Nobody is perfect and there is no such thing as the perfect couple. There is such a thing as two imperfect people striving to continuously better themselves and uplift each other as they strive toward their eternal goals-(which on a side note, takes two people, not just one). Also getting a temple recommend doesn't mean you are a good person. Unfortunately, this is a perfect gospel run by imperfect people here on earth who are subject to temptations, sin, forgetfulness, pride, etc... I try to always see the best in people but I recognize that people can lie and be deceitful. Just because someone claims to hold a temple recommend doesn't mean they are worthy of it. Also being sealed in the temple does not mean you are guaranteed your marriage will last forever. Marriage is hard work, as I said before, it takes two people striving daily to work towards keeping an eternal marriage. I was young and nobody told me that what I thought being married in the temple meant was not true.
I also thought when I married Stan that I knew all of him. Truth is, it takes a lifetime to know someone. This actually is a beautiful thing because each of us is truly dynamic and constantly learning and growing. I think a smart couple should strive to recognize what they learn about their partner every single day, and love them for who they are as an individual! In the case with Stan, there were faucets of his personality that I should have taken care to learn before marriage.
Approximately one week after returning from our honeymoon, Stan came home from work in a rage. He was angry and cursing and mean towards me. His behavior shocked me and I locked myself into our bedroom and cried because I knew not how to handle or react to the situation. I thought about calling my parents but felt such matters should be kept within the marriage and was embarrassed to run home to mommy and daddy with just one outburst from him. I prayed and cried asking if I had made a mistake by marrying him and begged that Stan would calm down. He eventually did calm but seemed unapologetic for what happened. When I inquired what caused the outburst he shrugged it off and wanted to pretend it never happened. I let the incident slide.
Over the next couple months his outbursts became more frequent. They were always in the confines of our home and he would never apologize after. I came to refer to them as "temper tantrums", sometimes they occurred when he was hungry or provoked by me but usually they seemingly came from no where. He would throw things and broke some furniture and he would say very foul curses to me. Over the next couple years they worsened to the point that he had tantrums daily. He became very degrading to me, always pointing out my faults. He daily called me names such as "you dumb f****** b****". I had to walk on my tip toes to not start him off. Also I tried many tactics to defend myself. I would cry, I would yell back, I would ignore him, it was exhausting.
For the first two years I struggled with making plans to leave him. There were many times I had my mothers number dialed to help me move out. But I always chickened out. I felt that when he wasn't throwing tantrums, he was still the man I fell in love with. I could see the potential he had and I wanted him to achieve it. Eventually around that second year I decided that I needed to make a decision, I was either going to leave him or I needed to stop thinking about it and buck up and stick it out. I decided on the latter and after that decision, I never entertained the thought of leaving him again. I figured maybe his behavior was some sort of punishment for me because I wasn't good enough but that maybe in the next life he would recognize his wrongs and it would be better then and I would be rewarded for sticking by his side.
You are always going to meet people in your life that you can help make a difference in their life. There is always someone who may be doing better than you and can help lift you up and there is always someone who is doing worse that you can help lift. Sometimes it is hard to recognize at what point you are no longer lifting but instead they are pulling you down. It is especially hard to recognize this when you are super close to the person, like if they are your husband for example.
In May 2014, Stan and I were asked to meet with our Stake President. The President extended a leadership calling to Stan within a YSA bishopric. I was caught quite off guard. Stan accepted the calling and I was actually very excited. I thought to myself, this is the chance for Stan to turn around and become the man I knew he could be! In the past he was very against having family home evening with me and he refused to pray or read scriptures with me-which made it difficult to maintain the habits on my own. I thought with him serving in the bishopric that his testimony would strengthen thereby strengthening his desire to have the Spirit in our home. However, as the months went by, he never changed his attitude at home. He would go to his calling and he was very good with the YSA and I think he enjoyed it. But then he would come home and still be foul. He would turn on his playstation and start cursing at the TV and screaming at me or the dogs if we got in his way.
During his time in the bishopric, I experienced doubt in the church for the first time in my life.. I didn't understand how Stan was worthy for such a calling when he led an entire separate life at home. It took me a very long time to realize that I may never understand why he had that calling. It also took me a long time to realize that even though this gospel is perfect, people are not perfect. I had to have faith that Heavenly Father knew what He was doing.
During the year he was in the calling, we bought our first home and I busied myself with trying to be a perfect housewife. I had wanted to go to nursing school for a couple years but Stan didn't feel it was important for me to get a degree. So I worked hard at the jobs I had, and I worked hard to keep a clean home. In the spring of 2015, Stan came to me and stated he was ready to see someone about his emotional issues. That night I knelt in prayer, so thankful that he was ready and willing to start working on things!
We went to a local physician and Stan voiced for the first time what he felt was the root of his issues. Stan stated he felt he was OCD and that his anxiety would get to him. He stated when things weren't perfect at work or during his day that he would come home, where he was comfortable being himself, and then let out all his frustration. He admitted to the doctor that he didn't treat me well and that he wanted to change. Stan also had issues with being bipolar, and the doctor felt confident that some medication would help to fix the problems.
After Stan began the medication, things at home improved vastly! They weren't perfect but his tantrums became less frequent. He was more calm in stressful situations and had more control over his emotions. He even began to apologize when he talked down to me! Summer of 2015 was the best summer we had together, lots of family fun, camping, and traveling. We ended the summer with a big vacation to Europe. We were living in our beautiful home, we had finished our back yard, we had purchased a brand new small SUV, we were out of credit card debt, he had a promotion at work, everything seemed to be falling into place. We felt it was the perfect time to have a baby!
I have a hard time explaining this part of the story because this is the part which is most painful.
Early on, before things got really bad with Stan's emotional issues, we had decided we wanted children. We had been married only 6 months when I went off birth control and we began trying to conceive. There were times during the years we tried to conceive that I thought to myself a baby would fix Stan's emotional problems. I figured that he would respect me more and treat me kinder if I were pregnant. I realize now this is not true and I know that a baby would not have fixed our marriage.
Infertility is an emotional roller coaster, one that is ridden by more couples then you would think. After one year of not getting pregnant, Stan and I started seeing a specialist who ran multiple tests. The doctor could not find anything in particular that was preventing us from conceiving. So Stan and I spent thousands of dollars on more testing, ultrasounds, conception medications, and inseminations. Not every woman understands the pain of having yet another month go by with just one blue line on that pregnancy stick. Every morning for years I woke up and checked my temperature and secretions. I used charts and read many fertility books. I prayed and fasted for a baby and it was a very difficult time.
When you experience infertility you experience the different stages of grief. It is easy to feel like your body is letting you down. They say that as a woman, your greatest accomplishment will be to bear children. The truth is, the word bear should be changed to the word "have". Not every woman is going to bear a child on this earth. And not every woman is going to even have the opportunity to have or raise a child. It was easy for me to be offended every time someone would ask me "when are you going to start having children?", "you have been married a couple years, don't you know you should be multiplying and replenishing the earth? You are being selfish.", "don't you want to have kids?". It was also easy for me to feel offended and sad when I heard people say things like, "I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me to be a mom", "I'm so glad you chose me to be your mother". I feel like, what does trust have anything to do with it? If being a mother was all about Heavenly Father trusting you, then why do teenagers, drug addicts, and unplanned pregnancies happen? Why would a woman that didn't want to have kids get pregnant instead of me?
Over the years I realized that people saying these comments didn't have bad intentions. The 99% majority of people asking you when you will have kids have no intention to be rude or insensitive. The fact is, not everyone knows what you are going through and may not understand how their comment can be hurtful. Many people are innocent or naive towards infertility. It is human nature to jump to being offended or to place blame on someone. And if you get sucked into that hole, it is so difficult to climb out. If you are offended by someone, don't hold a grudge. Try to put yourself in their shoes and recognize what their true intentions were. And if you need to, be honest with them about how you feel about their comment.
My only other advice on the subject of infertility is this: do not try to go through it alone. You will be surprised how many women face this obstacle. And you will be surprised at how much support you can receive by reaching out and sharing your story. It is okay to need support. By sharing what you are going through, you will meet friends. Your journey will be easier and your story will help someone else in need.
One year ago-ish today, after seeing the same doctor for 4.5 years, I decided to try a new physician. I had been chatting with a co-worker who had endometriosis and I felt many of her symptoms matched mine! But when I told my original doctor this, he didn't agree it was a possibility. So, I went to this new doctor who agreed to take me into surgery to learn if endometriosis was the culprit of my infertility. You see, the only true way to know if one has the disease is by going in laparoscopically.
Endometriosis is when endometrial cells of the lining of your uterus somehow escape into the pelvic cavity. Then each month as the female goes through her menstrual cycle the cells build up (as it would inside the uterus in preparation for a possible pregnancy). Then when the female body is not pregnant, this lining is shed in the form of the period. But when there is lining in your pelvic cavity, the shedding has no where to escape so it pools in the bottom of your pelvis and then builds up again each month. This causes a lot of damage and scaring. Scaring and lesions can lead to blockages which cause infertility. In surgery they can laser the endometriosis away.
Going in for the surgery, I prayed desperately that they would find something. I knew it would be a huge blessing to be able to put a name on the reason I had not become pregnant after 4.5 years of trying! When I woke up from the surgery I was informed that I did indeed have very severe endometriosis, one of the most severe cases my physician had ever seen. The endo was so severe, they were unable to laser all of it in surgery. The endo was on my bladder, in my bowels, and up my ureters which was too sensitive an area to take the laser too. The doctor sat with Stan and I and said the best treatment was to undergo a hormone therapy to destroy the rest of the endo. Basically the therapy is a chemo based drug called Lupron Depot and it puts your body into a premature menopause. (Not everyone can say they will have to go through menopause twice!) Lupron is a shot and is known to have many harsh side effects. The treatment lasts 6 months and then your body will go through "puberty" again after which, I should be able to get pregnant! Most women with this diagnosis have high success rates of pregnancy after treatment.
Stan was devastated and did not want me to take the medication. He did not want to wait another 6+ months to get pregnant, especially because everything in our lives felt ready to welcome a child. The doctor said it was the only way to stop the endometriosis which was causing much damage to me internally. So after thinking it over, we decided to undergo the treatment. Little did I know, I would not be undergoing the treatment with a husband at my side.
Soon after the decision to do Lupron, I recognized an odd air in our home. I knew deep down that something was wrong. I was recovering from the surgery and since my endo was so extensive, the recovery was longer then expected and more painful. I figured at first that the odd air was just me. We were at walmart one day when I noticed Stan kept snap chatting selfies to a female co worker of his. Thinking this was a little odd, I commented saying something like, "don't give her the wrong impression by talking to her so much outside of work". He shrugged it off and stated he would stop snapping her, he said she was young and just a good co-worker. I told him that I trusted him but that I didn't think it was smart to keep too close a friendship with a young single co-worker.
Approximately several days later I noticed he was hiding his phone from me. When I would sit by him he would quickly turn the phone away. He carried the phone around with him constantly and would not let me hold it. He happened to go to the bathroom and left his phone on the coffee table. I felt prompted to pick it up, I ignored this feeling because I told myself it was silly. But the prompting came again and I leaned over to pick up the phone. He had just received a snap chat from the girl. I didn't open it up but I did open his messages and found she was the most recent to have text him. Scanning over their recent messages I saw that the night before she had begged him to come long boarding with her. He stated how badly he wanted too but that I was home and he couldn't get away.
At this point, he came out of the bathroom and rushed over to grab his phone from my hands. I tried to look innocent and inquired about him still talking to this girl. He stated that she was just a lonely co-worker and they were friends. I warned him again that I felt it was dangerous to be friends with her. He told me there was no interest there, that she wasn't even pretty and she had a boyfriend anyways. But still, he promised to stop talking to her outside of work.
I want to make a strong point here. It is not safe and it is not wise to have friendships behind your spouses back. When you are married, your friends become your spouses friends as well and vice versa. If you have any sort of contact with a "friend" that you wouldn't have with your spouse right beside you then that means it is wrong. You can make a million excuses but for a happy and successful marriage this principle needs to be black and white.
When Stan and I were engaged and meeting with our Stake President for our living ordinance recommends I remember a comment he made that seemed silly to me at the time. He said, "someday you may receive an email, a text, a facebook comment, or some other contact from a member of the opposite sex that will seem innocent. Maybe they will be someone you have known a long time and have not seen in a while, maybe they will be a co-worker or neighbor, but it doesn't matter who it is, do not reply".
I thought this seemed harsh and a bit of a generalization. But I promise you, it is easy for Satan to make something so innocent turn into something horribly wrong. The Stake President went on to say that when a situation like that occurs, we should automatically be open and honest with our spouse about it, even if it seems dumb and seems but a small thing. This is of up most importance. Satan wants to destroy the family and he will do whatever he can to succeed in that nasty goal.
Anyways,
I forgot about the incident and we spent the next few weeks as normal. We went to my families house for conference weekend and Stan spent a lot of time on his phone. He stated it was work and there were issues going on there that he had to take care of. I let it slide because I knew in the past work had kept him busy on nights and weekends.
The following week, Stan woke up super early one morning and got into the shower. Usually he waited until last minute to shower in time for work, so it was unusual for him to be up so early. I again felt prompted to look at his phone. This time I listened right away and picked it up. He had many messages from her and I knew in that moment that they were not just friends. I hid in another room of the house with the lights off as I snooped through his phone. I saw things and read things that I wish I never had. I realized that when Stan and I were intimate over the weekend at my parents house, he had been sexting her. I also realized he had gotten in the shower early to go and meet up with her before work. When I returned to the bedroom with his phone, Stan knew that I knew. I can not explain the pain and so I will not try to.
The next several days were the worst days of my life. All the pain and sorrow associated with infertility paled in comparison to my husbands betrayal. I cried constantly and prayed continually. I remembered how a few years ago I vowed I would never think of leaving him again and with much prayer and faith I concluded that I still was not ready to leave him. Thinking of how wonderful our summer had been and everything we had been through together, and thinking of our temple sealing, I told Stan I wanted to work through everything with him.
He told me he was mad at God. He said he was mad that God had not given us a child yet and he was mad that I had endometriosis. He said he had turned to his co worker for comfort and that he would break it off. We spent the next week taking things easy and trying not to talk about what had happened. However, things did not go back to normal. The following weekend Stan left to his families house and requested that I do not contact him. This is when I finally called my Mom.
My mom came right away, she dropped everything and came to hold me as I cried and shared the truth about my marriage. She cried with me, grieving over the way Stan had treated me and his affair. She even drove me to walmart at 3 am to get a pregnancy test, just to be sure I was not pregnant at the time. I called in sick to work and she took me out of town for a couple days. I tried continually to get a hold of Stan but he would not talk to me. Instead he sent me an email. In that email he said he wanted me to move out of the house. He blamed all his issues on me and told me everything was my fault. He never had the courage to tell me in person our marriage was over or why.
I filed for divorce along with an appeal to waive the 90 day waiting period. I moved out of the house, leaving most everything behind including my beloved dogs. The divorce was finalized a couple weeks later. Stan began texting me stating he was an idiot and that he could never forgive himself and that he didn't deserve me. I had to tell him he was not allowed to contact me anymore.
Right after he kicked me out of the house he moved his mistress in. It hurt knowing she was sleeping in my side of the bed, using my closet, snuggling with my dogs, and enjoying my beautiful back yard. It also hurt when I found out that she was pregnant. I've heard rumors that she planned the pregnancy to keep him around, I've also heard rumors that he planned the pregnancy with her because he was so devastated that I could not get pregnant. Truly, it is not worth entertaining why or how it happened. Stan was getting everything he ever wanted, a baby.
At first I thought I had nothing, that Stan left me with nothing. However, I was wrong. I am the one who came out with everything! I didn't realize at the time that I probably would never have had the guts to leave Stan. I didn't realize at the time that the mistress was the biggest hidden blessing. The reason I actually came out with everything is because of this: I came out with a fervent testimony that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me. I came out with a stronger relationship with my Savior then ever before. I learned more about the meaning of the atonement then can be understood without relying so heavily on it. My family was there for me along with so many friends I didn't realize I had. I have experienced the sweetest of tender mercies and seen miracles because of what happened.
Side story, while waiting for the divorce to finalize I visited family in Arizona. Speaking to a cousin who had also been divorced, I told her how well I felt I was doing and that I sort of felt "numb" sometimes. I didn't know if it was bad to feel that way despite all that had happened. She turned to me and said, "Jaycie, that is the atonement you are feeling. Being numb is because right now Jesus is carrying you." She went on to warn me to stay righteous because messing up would take away that numbness leaving me to carry the burden and feel all the pain and sorrow on my own. I took her words to heart and I continued marching forward.
With faith, optimism, and our Savior, I continued strong despite the wrongs done to me. Driving in the car the song "God blessed the broken road" came on. I knew that by enduring these trials well that blessings would come. Can you guess what major blessing was coming? I certainly could not at the time!
Trevor.
After years of being subject to emotional abuse, I had forgotten what it was like to be treated kindly. Trevor, you are more to me than I can ever express. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me! You have brought true joy into my life and reminded me what happiness is! The way you grin at me even if I accidentally say something dumb, and the way you laugh with me about it afterwards. The way you are so patient even when I am naggy (which I know is a shortcoming of mine)! Every time I doubt myself you are right there to correct my thinking and uplift me. Your knowledge of the gospel and your desire to study the scriptures and pray daily are like a breath of fresh air! You have prepared your whole life for an eternal marriage. I know you are the most amazing man and I am blessed beyond measure to stand by your side! This first month of marriage is just the beginning of our Eternal story!
This life is never going to go completely as we plan it for ourselves. Whether it is big bumps in the road, like a five year failed marriage (or many worse things), or small, we need not be concerned about the strife. We should only concern ourselves of living worthy. I promise you that blessings will come, and most likely they will not be in the form which you had expected!
I love this cliche because I know it is possible. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. <3
If you are curious about the church I am a part of, or are looking for answers to questions about life, visit Churchofjesuschrist.org
I am so happy that you have shared this story. I can't imagine how many women are going through similar things and can really benefit from your story. You have lived a small lifetime of greif that many people will not understand. It is beautiful that you have taken the experiences and transformed them into a grateful heart. You have always radiated happiness and love, and you deserve nothing less in an eternal companion. I love seeing you and Trevor so happy together :-)
ReplyDeleteI went through 6 years of a marriage where there was mild verbal abuse, a returned missionary who started drinking, cursing lots, crude crude comments & humor & Constant lies & hiding of pornography & i couldn't get pregnant as well - it was very mild compared to your Story but i can relate. I tell my friends the same thing as you- stay faithful to the gospel & bettering yourself no matter your trial because you WILL eventually be blessed. God directed me so bluntly to my husband- even when i didn't think my husband was right For me while dating, God told me to stay with him. Its been the best choice ever and I too am now married to an Angel. I cried when i saw u mention the God blessed the broken road song because when i heard that song shortly after me & Russell were married i realized how perfectly it fit us, so i sent him the song & i think he almost cried hearing the words in that song and it instantly became one of "our" songs. Im so glad you stayed with gospel and you were blessed too!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. It would be difficult to write such a personal experience, but that makes it all the more insightful and helpful.I especially liked that that you pointed out tips and advice for your readers. I shared this with my wife who has met your sister here at school a few times.
ReplyDeleteI was surprised to see your picture on Facebook. Your husband was a nurse at the hospital my child goes to. My son admired and loved him. They were buddies. I'm so glad he is married and found so much happiness with you!
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